I think if you're familiar with who I am as a person/my social media/etc., you know I'm a pretty open book, I like to share stories and experiences cause just like a lot of other people at age 25.... i'Ve BeEn ThRoUgH aLoT.. lol but actually, I feel we all have a great opportunity to use social media to share experiences, talk about struggles, and talk about our solutions to these struggles in order to grow. I feel that majority of my experiences I've shared, have been pretty surface level and vague because I didn't know how to say the things I wanted to say and I also couldn't have possibly unpacked my life the way I am able to now. With that said, I'd like to start this one out with a disclaimer: the things you're about to read can be incredibly triggering for those who have struggled with or still struggle with eating disorders, drinking problems, diet pills, and mental health in general. I promise this is indeed a fairytale and there is a happy ending, but, the beginning and middle are far from that. So if you need to quit reading for your own health, please do so now.
When I was 16 years old, I remember comparing myself to other girls for the first time. I was a Sophomore/Junior in High School, had only ever kissed one boy (the important things in life), and I definitely still had some baby fat. This was the year that I developed an eating disorder. I wanted so badly to look like the all the pretty/"popular" girls because I thought that would help me attract boys and feel better about myself which 1. I feel so sad about looking back and 2. Growing up in Arizona is a bitch bc literally everyone is pretty and it's annoying LOL. I started eating less and less and less and taking more and more diet pills. At my lowest point, I was skipping breakfast (I've never been a big breakfast guy), eating LITERALLY one grape for lunch at school, and then was working week nights at a restaurant so I would tell my parents when I got home from work that I had eaten dinner at work (I hadn't). On top of starving myself, I was taking ~12 diet pills a day. I wasn't happy, I had no energy, but I was losing weight so I believed that it was worth it. These extreme behaviors continued for probably about a year, until one day, I walked downstairs to my mom's office sobbing with multiple bottles of pills in my hands and told her I couldn't continue doing what I was doing anymore. A few days later, I had my first appointment with an Eating Disorder Specialist... the things this DOCTOR said to me, will haunt me forever. I remember feeling so vulnerable and just wanting help and this doctor had the nerve to tell me that I was fine, healthy, and "could lose a little more weight if I wanted to" at this point, I believe I weighed about 105-110 pounds. Needless to say, I never went and saw that woman again.

At the end of my Junior year, I posted this photo on Facebook. This photo is how I discovered that not only was I suffering with anorexia but Body Dysmorphia Disorder. The first comment on this photo was "Look at how skinny you are!! It makes me sick lol!!" to which I replied "i think i look plump..." and it was true, I genuinely believed I was fat in this photo.. those shorts were too big for me and were literally a size 0. What was to come next is something I will also remember for the rest of my life.. a message I received on Facebook from an old friend. "Hey Katie, I know the two of us aren't very close but I was looking through some of your newer photos in comparison to some of your older ones, and begun to worry. You've lost a lot of weight and gotten very thin

Arizona State University is truly the home of the most beautiful/fit/sexy 18-22 year olds in the country and if you disagree with me, hit me up because I'm happy to help find you an eye doctor. At 18 after 2-3 years of already struggling with an eating disorder, things got worse. I compared myself to absolutely everyone and would spend HOURS in the gym averaging about 2-3 hours of walking at a 15% incline and 4.0-4.2 speed. I had to make up for the alcohol somehow... right? I wasn't eating a balanced diet, I wasn't loving myself, I was just doing cardio because I believed that was going to make me feel satisfied. By Sophomore year of college, I was back in therapy and went to my first and only Eating Disorder Inpatient/Outpatient Treatment Facility. I was scared shitless seeing the other patients, I told myself they were skinnier than me, that their problems were worse than mine, and never returned. Looking back I know that wasn't true but I also know I wasn't ready to address my problems. Junior year was probably one of the worst and the best years of my life, I went into my Junior Year so in love with my boyfriend of about 6 or 7 months, more relaxed about working out - I'd go when I felt like it but more often than not I wasn't, and I finally was eating more. Looking back to that time in my life, I believed I was whole, I believed I was satisfied because I had a boyfriend who made me forget about all of my problems. I thought I was on top of the world. I thought my problems were going to just disappear because the guy loved me and would never do anything to hurt me. (I think we've all heard that one before) This boyfriend - who at the time I made my entire world.. broke up with me the day I was flying out to my Uncle's Memorial Service. Love that for me. The weeks that followed were full of a lot of booze, a lot of acting out, and waking up to the Police in my room because I had told people I was going to end my life. I was a fucking disaster. The great news is.... right around the corner was a new boy... well not a new boy... a boy I had known since our freshman year but we had HATED each other up until he commented on a photo of me that I looked pretty or something... idk but he was clearly very convincing because the girl who was such a mess from her relationship that had ended about two months before found herself making this guy her boyfriend after maybe a week of hanging out. I fell for him fast and hard. In the beginning, he made me forget about all my problems and mended my broken heart or at least the parts of my heart that were ready to be put back together at that point in my life. I felt understood for the first time. I told him things I had never told a guy before because I just felt safe. And at age 20/21, I was completely convinced that I finally was fixed because of our relationship. Things didn't end up working out and that shit rocked me. I had just turned 21 was broken hearted and started going out every night, binge drinking, eating poor, and skipping the gym because I was too hungover. These behaviors continued through the end of my college career. I went HAM if you will.

After college, I moved to Texas for my first adult job. It was the first time I had to pay all my own bills, buy my own food, and truly be on my own. I definitely did not manage this part of my life well. I stopped going to therapy because I didn't think I could afford it.... I could've, I just didn't make it a priority. I worked out I think 3 times that year. I drank. Excessively. I ate like shit. Gained about 40 pounds, stopped caring about myself, and just started to turn on the poor me act. These behaviors continued for about 2-2 1/2 years. About a year and a half ago, I finally decided enough was enough and got back in the gym. In 3 months, I quickly lost about 30 pounds, but.... I was back on the diet pills and only eating lunch every day which was a small piece of chicken with lemon juice and from broccoli. After those three months, something incredibly personal that I will likely NEVER share with the world happened to me and it messed me up... probably for the rest of my life. My motivation significantly decreased, I started eating like shit, gained back all of the weight I had lost plus some. But the worst thing that happened, was I started legitimately loathing myself. I didn't respect myself. I sheltered myself. I stopped smiling. I cried every fucking day. I thought about and tried to end it all more than once. I didn't know who I was anymore. All I wanted was to escape and you know what, wine helped. Wine was my best friend. Many nights, I drank far past my limit. Only to wake up to see that I had made a fool of myself on social media, via text, call, facetime, you name it. I did it.

Moral of the Story is we all go through shit, but, if you don't take the time to dig deep into yourself, you're going to spend years and years searching for your self worth in places that I PROMISE YOU your own worth will not be hiding. If you know deep down that you need to make a change, take some time to evaluate the change and decide if you are ready to face some hard truths you may not have known about yourself and then simply, tackle them.
A final note - I've had some really amazing friends throughout my whole roller coaster of a life the past 10 years. They haven't quit on me, they've probably had many many times where they've been embarrassed to claim me, and I know for a fact they've had to address to people why they've stuck around. I don't know what I've done to deserve all of them. But someday/someway, I will figure out how I can repay them and I'm glad that they're still here for a much better version of me.
Oh and to my family - thanks for loving me unconditionally. You guys are my world. You were my strength when I wasn't able to be strong for myself. Couldn't ask for a better family to be a part of.
Thank you all for reading! If you made it this far, you deserve a sticker or something, so please go buy yourself one and wear it with pride.
Until next time!
XOXO