I think if you're familiar with who I am as a person/my social media/etc., you know I'm a pretty open book, I like to share stories and experiences cause just like a lot of other people at age 25.... i'Ve BeEn ThRoUgH aLoT.. lol but actually, I feel we all have a great opportunity to use social media to share experiences, talk about struggles, and talk about our solutions to these struggles in order to grow. I feel that majority of my experiences I've shared, have been pretty surface level and vague because I didn't know how to say the things I wanted to say and I also couldn't have possibly unpacked my life the way I am able to now. With that said, I'd like to start this one out with a disclaimer: the things you're about to read can be incredibly triggering for those who have struggled with or still struggle with eating disorders, drinking problems, diet pills, and mental health in general. I promise this is indeed a fairytale and there is a happy ending, but, the beginning and middle are far from that. So if you need to quit reading for your own health, please do so now.
When I was 16 years old, I remember comparing myself to other girls for the first time. I was a Sophomore/Junior in High School, had only ever kissed one boy (the important things in life), and I definitely still had some baby fat. This was the year that I developed an eating disorder. I wanted so badly to look like the all the pretty/"popular" girls because I thought that would help me attract boys and feel better about myself which 1. I feel so sad about looking back and 2. Growing up in Arizona is a bitch bc literally everyone is pretty and it's annoying LOL. I started eating less and less and less and taking more and more diet pills. At my lowest point, I was skipping breakfast (I've never been a big breakfast guy), eating LITERALLY one grape for lunch at school, and then was working week nights at a restaurant so I would tell my parents when I got home from work that I had eaten dinner at work (I hadn't). On top of starving myself, I was taking ~12 diet pills a day. I wasn't happy, I had no energy, but I was losing weight so I believed that it was worth it. These extreme behaviors continued for probably about a year, until one day, I walked downstairs to my mom's office sobbing with multiple bottles of pills in my hands and told her I couldn't continue doing what I was doing anymore. A few days later, I had my first appointment with an Eating Disorder Specialist... the things this DOCTOR said to me, will haunt me forever. I remember feeling so vulnerable and just wanting help and this doctor had the nerve to tell me that I was fine, healthy, and "could lose a little more weight if I wanted to" at this point, I believe I weighed about 105-110 pounds. Needless to say, I never went and saw that woman again.
At the end of my Junior year, I posted this photo on Facebook. This photo is how I discovered that not only was I suffering with anorexia but Body Dysmorphia Disorder. The first comment on this photo was "Look at how skinny you are!! It makes me sick lol!!" to which I replied "i think i look plump..." and it was true, I genuinely believed I was fat in this photo.. those shorts were too big for me and were literally a size 0. What was to come next is something I will also remember for the rest of my life.. a message I received on Facebook from an old friend. "Hey Katie, I know the two of us aren't very close but I was looking through some of your newer photos in comparison to some of your older ones, and begun to worry. You've lost a lot of weight and gotten very thin
it worries me...... I thought maybe you'd gotten sick and lost the weight but then I noticed some of the comments of a photo of you getting a henna, someone sAid "you look so skinny!" and you replied "I think I look plump." that was the comment that made me worry. I've written this message to you a number of times but haven't had the courage to send it until today. . . you may think it's out of line for me to say this to you or make assumptions and in some cases it is....however, I'm not like most people, freshman and sophomore year I was struggling with anorexia nervosa, the summer of freshman year my weight plummeted to 84 pounds, I was hospitalized for a week and a half, due to Dehydration, malnurushment, and low heart rate..... I could've died at any second. After I was released from the hospital I spent the next 3 month in an intensive eating disorder treatment center, I gained the weight back. . . But sophomore year I relapsed, my weight dropped again and my doctor threatened to send me to the hospital, I began eating normally again and returned to a healthy weight.....junior year went well, I ate almost normally, weighed a healthy weight and felt good, then the summer hit and at the moment I'm struggling. I'm telling you all this because I don't want you to meet the same fate I did, when I was in my eating disorder people would tell me how tiny I looked, how they wished they were my size and ect..., I would've loved for someone to tell me that I looked sick and needed help.... I don't know what's going on with you, I don't know if you're sick, if you lost the weight healthfully, or if you have an eating disorder...... I am going to tell you that you looked beautiful before, never EVER have you been fat, you're such a beautiful girl. Sorry for my bluntness." This friends words hit me.... hard. I wasn't ready to accept any of it, so I lied, said I was okay, but thought about that message every day for years. I wish I could hug this old friend and thank her for what she did for me because at that point in life, I needed someone to show me that kind of love and care. I wish I could say that after High School ended things got better. But, that'd be a lie.
After college, I moved to Texas for my first adult job. It was the first time I had to pay all my own bills, buy my own food, and truly be on my own. I definitely did not manage this part of my life well. I stopped going to therapy because I didn't think I could afford it.... I could've, I just didn't make it a priority. I worked out I think 3 times that year. I drank. Excessively. I ate like shit. Gained about 40 pounds, stopped caring about myself, and just started to turn on the poor me act. These behaviors continued for about 2-2 1/2 years. About a year and a half ago, I finally decided enough was enough and got back in the gym. In 3 months, I quickly lost about 30 pounds, but.... I was back on the diet pills and only eating lunch every day which was a small piece of chicken with lemon juice and from broccoli. After those three months, something incredibly personal that I will likely NEVER share with the world happened to me and it messed me up... probably for the rest of my life. My motivation significantly decreased, I started eating like shit, gained back all of the weight I had lost plus some. But the worst thing that happened, was I started legitimately loathing myself. I didn't respect myself. I sheltered myself. I stopped smiling. I cried every fucking day. I thought about and tried to end it all more than once. I didn't know who I was anymore. All I wanted was to escape and you know what, wine helped. Wine was my best friend. Many nights, I drank far past my limit. Only to wake up to see that I had made a fool of myself on social media, via text, call, facetime, you name it. I did it.
5 months ago - I made the decision to stop drinking. It wasn't healthy, it wasn't productive, and it certainly wasn't the answer to my problems. When I stopped drinking, I started to address some pretty deep rooted issues I've had for a very long time. I realized that I had been putting on an act because I was insecure. I was insecure because I did not love myself. at all. The closest I was getting to Self-Love was fake ass posts about how I was loving myself more and that everything was all sunshine and rainbows in Katieland. I wholeheartedly believed that the more I told people that I was okay, the quicker my problems would just POOF away. Unfortunately, there is no tide-to-go stick for your problems. Through this mental journey, I have learned to release my unrealistic expectations of others because at the end of the day, you cannot force anyone to do anything, you cannot force someone to love you, you cannot force someone to support you, you just can't, and if you do find yourself in a position where you've forced these things upon someone, then is that really what you want? Forced love or forced support. I know I sure don't. I've made a routine for myself, I am up at 4am every morning, I spend about 30 minutes meditating and setting my intentions for the day, then I get ready and am in the gym by 5am. I work out for about an hour to an hour and a half - 5 days a week (most weeks) and I push myself. I don't allow myself to quit because I'm tired or because I'm feeling lazy, the gym is a mental game and what I have realized is as I work harder on myself/creating true mental happiness/my spirituality while I am quite literally just a home in bed journaling, the better my performance in the gym has gotten. I am lifting heavier for more reps. I'm not skipping different workouts because I don't believe I am capable of them. I complete every move, every rep because I am done cheating myself. I am done accepting less than I deserve. I am done being a sad miserable person because honestly ***SPOILER ALERT *** it's not fun. I am done being concerned with having a timeline for major events in my life. I am done measuring my self worth by what relationship I am or am not in. I don't need these things or accept these things in my life anymore because right now I've got myself and I'm truly finding out for the first time in my life what it feels like to love and respect myself. And through this process, I've learned that I'm really fucking awesome. Moral of the Story is we all go through shit, but, if you don't take the time to dig deep into yourself, you're going to spend years and years searching for your self worth in places that I PROMISE YOU your own worth will not be hiding. If you know deep down that you need to make a change, take some time to evaluate the change and decide if you are ready to face some hard truths you may not have known about yourself and then simply, tackle them.
A final note - I've had some really amazing friends throughout my whole roller coaster of a life the past 10 years. They haven't quit on me, they've probably had many many times where they've been embarrassed to claim me, and I know for a fact they've had to address to people why they've stuck around. I don't know what I've done to deserve all of them. But someday/someway, I will figure out how I can repay them and I'm glad that they're still here for a much better version of me.
Oh and to my family - thanks for loving me unconditionally. You guys are my world. You were my strength when I wasn't able to be strong for myself. Couldn't ask for a better family to be a part of.
Thank you all for reading! If you made it this far, you deserve a sticker or something, so please go buy yourself one and wear it with pride.
Until next time!
XOXO
